What I Hate About Pumping

People keep saying pumping is hard work. I've heard some women decide to wean, partly or completely, their babies from breastfeeding when they go back to work, because they don't know they could pump, or because their bodies don't respond to a pump with a let down / milk ejection, or because their workplace isn't, for any number of reasons, a conducive environment for pumping.

I definitely acknowledge I am coming to this from a place of privilege. Other than my usual white, North American, educated, able bodied, heterosexual, cisgendered, anglo privilege, I should also acknowledge that:

1. I had loads of support in getting started breastfeeding. Sometimes maybe even a touch of peer pressure, but I could have resisted had I needed to, I think.
2. I have an awesome job with a great employer and the most understanding supervisor you could ask for.
3. I have an office with a door. I had to cover over a little clerestory window for privacy (irony of this you'll see later).
4. I live in Washington DC where, if I didn't have my own office, my employer would need to provide me a clean private space in which to pump.

There are probably a half dozen other privileges I forgot about, but that's a good start.

So, as I think I've already covered, getting started breastfeeding was a bit bumpy. I had to pump from day four because the Baby Piranha had a tongue tie, which wasn't correctly identified as the cause of her latch problem until she was seven weeks old, despite several visits to an (expensive) IBCLC.

That, Dear Reader, was seven weeks of almost full time pumping. Almost no nursing in public for me, other than some comfort nursing, which was pretty much non-nutritive.

Then, in the same week, I went back to work and got BP's tongue clipped. And started just pumping while at work.

Up until then, I was using a fancy hospital grade pump which was almost silent and very effective. I hated pumping because I had to do it. I wanted to be breastfeeding without all this plastic in the way. While pumping at home, I pretty much always did the deed on the sofa in our apartment. Usually only the DH and BP were around, other than visiting grandpas. Of course I managed to figure the not latching was my fault, and when we got past that, I was delighted.

For work, I got myself a middle of the road good pump. It talks. It's hilarious. And it speaks both English and Spanish. That is, it makes sounds that almost sound like words. Quite often it sounds like it's saying por ahi, which more or less means over here.

I also bought a little electric single pump, the cheapest, and loudest of the lot. In breastpump noise, you get less if you pay more, it appears. I bought it for home use after returning the really nice hospital grade one. As the BP and I get the supply and demand in better sync, I'm using it less and less.

So three times a day, five-ish days a week, I close my door to my office, pull my gear out of the little fridge I bought to store my stuff in, and strap on the gear, and pump. I can't talk on the phone because it's such a chatty pump. I've read some pumping mamas will stick the noisy end of the pump in a drawer to muffle the noise and talk on the phone while pumping. Unfortunately my office furniture arrangement doesn't allow for that. While pumping, I'm entirely available by instant message, which my coworkers and I use heavily anyway.

A couple of times, people have knocked on the door. I feel like saying "unless the building's burning down, please go away!" but what I've said is "please come back later!"

So, aside from the whole I have to pump because I can't be with my baby full time like I'd like to be, I hate pumping because... I have to close the door to do it! It's such a weird feeling. The only time I ever close my door with my inside my office is to pump, feed the baby if she's visiting, or change my clothes. Oh, of course, also for private meetings that I don't want overheard. But that's pretty infrequent, to be honest.

When I'm closing the door, I feel like I'm doing something naughty or shameful. I wish I didn't feel that way. I'm not sure I want to be pumping in public - it's a visually weird thing and guaranteed to make folks uncomfortable (especially since breastfeeding itself seems to make people so uncomfortable). But it'd be nice if I could maybe get over the naughty feeling myself. I think part of my mind is wondering what my coworkers are thinking about all this closing of my door (we tend to be a very open door office... people keep saying they thought I wasn't in the office when I had my door closed).

I have a cutesy doorknob sign that says something like "Do Not Disturb, Mom Working" and a cartoon picture of a pumping mama talking on the phone. Maybe I should start using it to lighten the goofy feeling I have about it?

I really don't hate pumping. I'm glad I can do it. I'm lucky I can do it. How about you?

What I Love About Pumping

So I've been chewing on a post for far too long (and yes, it is far too long - not as long as the birth story, but long...) about what I hate about pumping. And then it occurred to me that I don't want to come across as complaining about pumping or breastfeeding, because I'm delighted I can do it and that we overcame our hurdles to breastfeed. So, first, what I love about pumping.

1. First and most importantly to me, I'm able to give the Baby Piranha the best food for her, even when I can't be with her, or when she's strapped into a car seat and I can't easily get nipple to mouth. This is such a great privilege of having the money and time and privacy to pump so that I didn't have to wean her from breastmilk when I went back to work after my paid leave from work ended.
2. Because I've been pumping for awhile, a common side effect is that I have a bit of an oversupply. With that oversupply, I'm going to be donating some of my frozen milk to a friend who is trying to keep their multiple set of babies around the same age in milk. That is awesome.
3. I love my cute PumpEase pumping support! I won mine in a contest on The Feminist Breeder's blog when I was pregnant. I had no idea at the time I'd need to be pumping as early as I was (four days post partum!), so had planned to buy mine after the baby was born. I'm so glad I got it early as it's critical to be hands free while pumping, as far as I'm concerned, to make it a little bit less tedious and more productive. *

Some folks I follow on Twitter say things about pumping being hard work, and I'm lucky in that it hasn't been hard for me. My MER just goes hey, pump, baby, whatever, here's some milk. It's not something enjoyable or particularly fun, but I believe it's important for the baby's health, and I'm mostly glad to do it.

What do you love or hate about pumping? Any surprises?

Come back next time when I talk about why I hate pumping!

Oh, and let's not count how many times I used the word awesome in this post. I know, too many. I will find a thesaurus, promise.

* Right so I got the PumpEase pumping supports for free in a contest. There were no strings attached to my winning the contest, I'm just saying they're awesome all on my own. Oh and they're made in Canada which makes them extra awesome as far as I'm concerned.

On Sleeping

As I've mentioned, I take parenting advice with some grains, or bags, of salt. People I talk to seem to be obsessed with sleep.

The first few weeks after Em was born, sleep was precious and infrequent. If she was sleeping, I'd wake up all the time to check that she was ok. And then she woke up needing attention/love/food often. Babies are like that! I don't know how parents who put their babies in another room to sleep manage the anxieties of those first weeks.

But then she adapted to our patterns and started mostly sleeping at night and mostly being awake during the day. I started trusting that she'd live through the night. There was that rough day at seven weeks when my Dads were here, when I'd kept her in the Infantino baby carrier all day, so she'd been asleep all day, and then only slept, and thus I only slept, four hours that night.

We're now in a nice routine where she naps once or twice a day for a few hours at a time and then sleeps from nine or ten in the evening to three or four in the morning for a brief snack, and then back to sleep again for a few more hours, often until seven in the morning. I've actually realized that it's often me (and my milk supply!) waking her up at four - she's no longer that hungry, so I usually pump a little extra for while I'm at work. And then we go back to sleep.

Before baby, I expected my sleep would be interrupted regularly with baby. First with feedings and diaper changes, then nightmares and nighttime illnesses, fevers, vomiting, then as she gets older, just worrying while she's out for an overnight with friends, and then parties and more! Parenting, as far as I'm concerned, is not about getting a good night's sleep.

I thought this was commonly known. I'm surprised by everyone's interest in how the baby is sleeping, if I'm sleeping, and the suggestions and tricks for getting her to sleep more. She's a baby with a teeny tiny tummy! I just don't expect her to sleep through the night for awhile, and even when she starts, I hear it's common to stop and start again.

I suspect that some people's inquiry as to whether or not I'm getting any sleep (and oh! I am, thank you) is more about making conversation, like commenting on the weather or making jokes about working hard vs hardly working. I know before I had a baby, I didn't know what to ask about them.

However, the parents who seem to be sleep obsessed make me wonder if I've just got a weirdly easy baby, which is entirely possible, or if my expectations are just a lot lower. I know the nights to come where she's awake once an hour again will be challenging. But knowing that they are coming makes them easier to deal with.

Do you talk a lot about sleep? What are/were your expectations about parenting and sleep?

On Parenting Advice

Parenting advice, I've found, is a real mixed bag. I think most of it comes from a good and helpful place: people want to tell you things that worked for them, or that they think is accurate. You get to thank them and do what you think is right, or argue with them if that's your style.

I'm so new to being a mom, that handing out parenting advice seems a bit foolishly optimistic to me. I've only been doing this for just over three months - who am I to say if I'm doing it right? Yet I am confident enough to reject some parenting advice out of hand, like the well meaning acquaintance who outlined his detailed plan for crying it out, which he inflicted on his children. To which, you might be interested to know, I said it was interesting that it worked for him but I absolutely couldn't see how I could do it.

I had lunch with a pregnant friend yesterday who may end up being a single parent by choice, after trying to conceive for a long time. She's not told our group of friends that she's pregnant yet, so I'll keep her identity under wraps for the moment.

She said something about now that she's finally pregnant, the idea of parenting is overwhelming and scary. I mumbled something about having felt the same way when I saw that pregnant indicator on the pee test stick late that night last November. And many times since then - there were even thoughts of OMFG, what have I done? I can't do this!

At least, that's what went through my head up til Emily was born. Then, other than the breastfeeding issues we had, I've just been questioning if I'm doing it right.

While I was pregnant, I worried that I'd be completely incompetent, that my husband would abandon us (I have no idea why I thought that - he was the one who lobbied for a baby after all!), that Emily wouldn't be healthy, that I'd chicken out during labour, that I'd be a terrible parent.

I didn't seriously worry about being a single parent - my husband is very loyal and family oriented. I knew we'd have parenting style conflicts and oh boy has that been accurate! But he's here, parenting along side me. I almost wrote helping me, but considering he's at home with Emily every day I'm at work, which most weeks is five out of seven days, and doing a lot of things like cooking, shopping, cleaning and grocery shopping, it might be more accurate to say I'm helping him!

Today, I'm working on learning how best to apply the Attachment Parenting principles, and balancing parenting with working, looking for a new job and doing a little bit of career development too. She's going to be a work at home mom - awesome - but probably a single mom too - and I think that presents a special set of challenges. I murmur reassuring noises but I've got very little in the way of practical suggestions for her, on how to manage money, day care, breastfeeding, meetings...

So I don't know what to say to my friend who is not only having normal pregnancy anxiety, but also may be additionally anxious about doing all of this essentially on her own (her family is almost as far away as mine).

Advice on parenting I have always found most useful when it falls in the category of "this is what works best for us, do what you feel is right" - so any thoughts or resources you'd like to share on what you wish you knew about parenting in general or specifically, taking care of things as a single parent, please share them below! And of course, she isn't actually asking for advice, but it's what I can offer, plus hand me downs... :)

Hypnobabies Review

While helping me to create a birth plan, my doula suggested I consider hypnosis as part of my pain management plan. She said the Hypnobabies course was ... I don't recall the word: I think she said the course was the only birth hypnosis class that DONA accepts for continuing education credit, or something along those lines, but that I should look at a bunch of different classes and pick what works for me.

I did a bunch of reading and decided the HB was right for me. I can't remember why, but I think it was at least partly because the course helps to teach you to do hypnosis while being up and moving around. The others focused on hypnosis and delivery in the on your back position as far as I could tell.

So, I went to the HB website, put out about USD$200 for the self study course and overnight shipping, and started studying away. This review is just based on my experience with my purchase: I didn't get any free stuff from the good folks at HB.

As the stalwart readers who made it through our birth story know, I did rely on the HB CDs during labor, especially some of the middle part that was long and sometimes painful. By the time I had the epidural, I had kind of given up and had figured I was going off for a surgical birth anyway, so I wasn't really trying anymore.

During labor, it was great to have had that training in managing how my brain processed the feelings of labor, and for that I'm very thankful.

However, what was especially great for me, and the main reason I'd recommend the HB course to any pregnant lady I meet is the Pregnancy Affirmations recording. I am normally a person who worries. Sometimes I literally lose sleep while worrying about stuff: ironically, I will lie awake worrying at night about oversleeping and missing a flight. Somehow missing a flight is an earth-shattering catastrophe in my mind. I worry about money, my family, my health, my family's health.. etc.

That affirmation CD helped me be the most relaxed, happy pregnant lady you'd ever want to see. I figured pretty much everything was normal and healthy. During my slightly hilarious prenatal class at the birth center, everyone else always seemed so nervous. I'm guessing it's because I had repeating over and over in my iPod that everything's fine and wonderful.

I loved how useful the CDs were for me. What I didn't love:

• the name Hypnobabies. Who came up with that? I was embarrassed to talk about it. I kept picturing zombie babies. Weird.
• the book that came along with the CDs which purported to be the only prenatal class one would need. Most of it focused on preparing for birth, which was great, but I felt like when the author veered out into other topics, their far out man started showing. The author has some pretty wacky ideas about prenatal health: grain of salt here readers! And it was desperately badly edited: spelling and grammatical errors as far as the eye could see.

It just occurred to me that I've not posted about my prenatal class, the one I had to endure every other Wednesday afternoon in order to give birth there. And then get kicked out anyway. I must share that with you all at some point.

Has anyone else tried self hypnosis for birth or anything else? Any thoughts on the difference between hypnosis and mediation? I've never been clear on what distinguishes them.

Didn't you have a baby? In which I make a lot of links

You'd be forgiven for thinking that I was pregnant, had a wild and wacky birth experience and then the baby went *poof* and disappeared, considering how little I suddenly have to say.

To be sure, here's a picture of her Royal Cuteness, Piranha Princess here. She's somehow caused time to advance extremely quickly and will be three months old very shortly.

Well, the issue is really just that I'm so busy being blissed out with her, working my job that I love, and looking for a new job in the Vancouver/Lower Mainland area for next year, that little time is left for the niceties of keeping folks up to date, beyond the tweeting and postings to Flickr that I try to maintain.

I should note that I'm meeting some awesome new people on Twitter - many in the Vancouver area, and some rather far away. But all have interesting things to say.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming

The Working Mama

The working mama, or why this blog hasn't been updated in a long time.

The last update was Sept 11. I think that was right before the Grandpas arrived. We had a great time and I got my September plugged duct (there has also been an October plugged duct but let's not get ahead of ourselves...)

We did loads of touristy things, ate loads and then they went home. The above photo was of me and Em sitting on a double decker tour bus with the Grandpas on their first full day in DC. Then I went back to work. My first day back was tough but I didn't cry. Alex was awesome - he texted me loads of photos of Emily. I've been posting my favourites to my flickr collection of Emily photos.

Day two was actually better because we finally took my friend's advice and took Emily to an ENT to have her tongue tie evaluated. He clipped it on the spot and she immediately started nursing better. I have a whole post or two burbling around inside me about the incompetent boob I had for a lactation consultant who didn't think her tongue tie was the problem. Anyway, she's nursing so much better now! Then I went to work and it was ok.

Working during the day and nursing during the evening and overnight has been going well, but it's been exhausting. When I do have some free time, or the energy to balance my netbook on my knees while feeding Em, I'm applying for IT consulting and support jobs in the Vancouver BC area.

I seem to be getting a plugged duct about monthly, not sure why. It's always on the left, where I have less supply and Em prefers to nurse off the right: which came first, the supply or the preference, I'm not sure.

But at any rate, if you know anyone in the Vancouver area looking for a brilliant and charismatic communicator geek, tell them to drop me a line! I'm normally a lot more modest, but I'm in job search mode and I figure it's time to (temporarily) throw modesty out the window!