Parenting in Public, the Cover Up

Reading about some "reality" TV show about people's reaction to nursing in public raised in my mind my experience with being asked to cover up while nursing the Baby Piranha.

I was in Texas due to a death in the family, at a restaurant eating lunch alone with the BP.

Lunch had just been served to me, and the BP also wanted to eat. She was only four months old at the time and not wiggling around a whole lot, so there was probably almost no skin showing.

A server (not the one assigned to my table) asked if I would like to cover up, not specifying what needed covering but gestured towards the BP with her hand.

I was stunned and the only thing I could manage as a response was something along the lines of "my right to nurse in public is protected by Texas state law."

The server looked taken aback, and muttered something along the lines of "protecting children who don't know about breastfeeding" and left.

I was alone, feeling nauseated and shaking with anger. I couldn't believe anything as simple as breastfeeding my precious baby could be reason to ask me to cover up. I doubt she felt she was doing anything wrong; on the other hand, I felt attacked and singled out.

I wanted to leave, to go somewhere and hide under a rock, but I figured that would be letting them win. So I stayed, and picked at my lunch half heartedly.

Later, a manager came by to check on my meal. I was sure to let him know how unhappy I was to have been treated this way. He quickly agreed I was in the right and said he'd speak to the server, though in retrospect, I'm not sure how he'd know who it was.

This critique of my parenting in public bugs me. I had someone come up to me out of the blue the other day and tell me the BP's arm was squished in the Ergo. (It wasn't, I'm squishier than I look).

Later the same day, a woman helped me get a bag of frozen blueberries out of a freezer at Costco - out of the blue, as it was - when I was holding the BP's sleeping head with one hand and trying to hold the door open and remove the bag with the other. I'm glad I had the grace to thank her profusely.

I'm reminded of Gina's call to help each other out at The Feminist Breeder. I think she has a really good point.

Have you been hassled for your parenting in public?

Go Read This Instead...

Because I'm too busy to write up my own thoughts, go check out these posts that are resonating with me these days:

• Annie of PhD in Parenting is in Berlin and finding processed food in Europe are less problematic...
• and links to the interesting, typically off the handle Fox News coverage of bed-sharing with your baby.
• Harriet of See Theo Run shares her thoughts on the Angel's Cradle at St Paul's Hospital. I'm glad she brought this up - it's so sad that it's needed but important that it exists, because it is needed.
• Gina of The Feminist Breeder writes about and gets great comments back on leaving kids in cars.
• Arwyn of Raising Boychick writes, as always thoughtfully and provocatively, on teaching patience to children...
• and in an older post, writes about hating pink and rejecting the feminine.
• The Fearless Formula Feeder shares a provocative story about why one mom did not try to breastfeed her child.

Do you have any favourite all time or favourite right now posts you want to share?

It Gets Easier

In my goofy prenatal class, when we got to the breastfeeding section of the class, a chart was passed around. It looked something like the chart above.

The vertical axis is effort level and the horizontal axis is time. Blue for formula, red for breast. The idea is that formula is always the same level of effort with sterilizing, mixing, carrying junk around. It doesn't vary.

Breastfeeding often starts off bloody tricky, but over time it gets easier. I am here to tell you, this is true. Surely, an oversimplification, but true. (Note: I haven't actually formula fed a baby, but I've read up on it a bit, like the things you need to do to keep everything clean, and the gear you've got to carry around.. it sounds like a lot of work. Though I'm sure you get used to it too.)

With the baby almost five months old now, I feel like we're really getting the hang of it. She's turning into a little person more and more every day. She's easy for me to feed. She's easy for the DH to feed when I'm at work. She sometimes eats so much that she spits up a bit. That never used to happen, so I feel a bit more confident that she's eating plenty. Well, that plus her weight being in the 95th percentile!

Apparently I'm even discrete about nursing in public, which is not entirely intentional.

We're going to keep it up until she's done. I expect it to not always be as easy and sweet as it is right now, but I know it will always be rewarding and good for her.

How has feeding been challenging for you? Did it get easier?

Want to Breastfeed? Don't have Formula in the Home!

As my many posts which include the label breastfeeding attest, I've found breastfeeding to be important, interesting and challenging. I pause from my work three times a day to pump. I wear funny clothes to make breastfeeding and pumping easier. And I think in the end, one thing has been critical to our success:

Not allowing a single packet of formula in our apartment.

There were many dark nights - and days for that matter - when I was so frustrated with trying to pump and feed the baby at the same time, I would have taken any opportunity, any escape, to feed her without all the complication.

I remember she'd wake me, crying in hunger. I'd be so tired from not sleeping enough and the stress of adjusting to having a new baby, I'd feel compelled to try to maximize the accomplishments of my awake time. So in this sleepy haze, over and over again, I made her wait, crying, while I strapped on the pump, before I'd start feeding her. Sometimes I'd feed her a bit before starting to organize the pump stuff, but even then, she'd not be sated and would always be crying again before I finished getting the pump organized.

I was not at my decision making best. For some reason, I often wouldn't even accept the offers of help from DH.

Because I didn't have any viable alternative, we made it work. I pumped, we fed her, we cried. Repeat as needed. Had there been formula in the house, she would have been fed it. I imagine how it would sit in the kitchen, calling to my addled brain, like crack to an addict, offering to solve my problems.

If I had had formula in my house, I would have fed it to my baby, potentially starting a downward spiral of supply problems. I was offered it as I was leaving the hospital. I said no. I'm so glad I did. I'm glad formula exists for those who choose to or must use it. But I'm glad it's not here too.

How did you or do you plan to feed your baby? Got any just in case packets of formula around if you're breastfeeding?

(PS: of course, I don't think formula is like crack. They're both just something that's potentially tempting, one to a stressed out mama, another to an addict.)

My 5 Biggest Breastfeeding Surprises

As I've previously mentioned, I thought I knew what I was doing going into this breastfeeding thing. However, I feel compelled to mention that I'm typing with one hand as I finger-feed Em with the other hand. Sure, we know just what we're doing!

1. Well, the troubles we've had latching at all definitely surprised me. I figured we'd not latch correctly and maybe I'd be in some pain. I never thought I'd just straight up be starving her! That made me, and continues to make me, feel pretty much like a failure at breastfeeding. We continue to work on it and we're going back to see the lactation consultant later this week. She's now passed her birth weight without a drop of formula and that's A Good Thing, at any rate.
2. Physically, the effects of breastfeeding have been normal but their effects on me were still a surprise: it's really thirsty work! I always drink a lot of water, but lately it's been an unbelievable amount of water. I'm going to need the change the filter on our water pitcher sooner than normal. Also, I've read a lot of conflicting info on whether or not breastfeeding helps lose pregnancy weight - the latest word seems to be that for some it does, some it doesn't. I pessimistically expected to be one of the doesn't - but either I was going to lose the weight easily on my own, or it really helps. Em's only be out almost four weeks and I'm already in the middle of my normal pre-pregnancy weight range. I stil have muscle to regain and fat to lose, but I'm well on my way.
3. Also not the biggest surprise yet, but I'm shocked at how much money I'm spending on breastfeeding. I'm sure it's still cheaper than formula, but I'm not going to sit down and sum it up, just in case it's not. The lactation consultant, the pump, the not-optional pump accessories, the scale, the bras, the nipple shield, the storage bags and bottles, etc... I hadn't expected to lay out so much dough to keep her in my own milk.
4. If someone has asked me before giving birth how much ego I have wrapped up in breastfeeding, or how disappointed I'd be if I were unable to breastfeed directly, only by pumping, I think I would have said very little. I remember telling my doula that I would give it my best shot but I wasn't going to beat myself up over any failure. Ha. Little did I know... My own emotional reaction to having to pump almost exclusively to feed Em has been a huge surprise for me. Most of the time, I feel sad but ok about it. Sometimes in the middle of the night, as I'm literally pumping and feeding her with a syringe at the same time, I feel like a huge failure and extremely frustrated at the intervention between her and I. However, I feel like we are going to make it past this. Whozat's breastfeeding story sustains me too - if they can overcome what they were faced with, I can get this little girl on my breast.
5. The biggest surprise about breastfeeding so far is this: sudenly I want to, and do, sleep in my bra. I've always hated wearing bras, and when a friend said I shoud be sleeping in one during pregnancy, I laughed to myself at the idea. I think I've never found a bra that fits well and because of that, when I am wearing one, I am aching to rip it off as soon as I get home. I used to be able to go without a bra on weekends and whatnot, but not anymore! My breasts are so sensitive and leaky now that going without isn't an option. Even so, sleeping in a (soft, no underwire) bra is quite weird for me - I never thought I'd see the day where I'd willingly (and soberly) wear a bra to sleep.

What surprised you most about breastfeeding? Were your expectations wildly off base?

Book Review: The Expectant Parents' Companion

Today I'm reviewing another book loaned to me by my doula: The Expectant Parents' Companion by Kathleen Huggins.

I wasn't sure what to expect from this book just from the title, but the subtitle is the giveaway: "Simplifying what to do, buy or borrow for an easy life with baby." The book starts with some good checklists of things to do at different stages, such as interviewing and selecting a pediatrician in the third trimester (something which I've not finished yet and I'm not anxious about at all).

The subsequent sections delve into each to do and buy item in more depth, such as: buy a stroller. The stroller section goes into great detail about the types of strollers available, and the pros and cons of each. This was the first place I read a good explanation of what an umbrella stroller is!

There is a substantial section on breastfeeding and another on formula feeding - the formula section is a lot longer, but of course, it's a more complex topic. Overall, the book is very pro-breastfeeding and briefly reviews a number of the reasons why breastfeeding is better, whenever possible. The author is lactation consultant, so if it weren't pretty pro-breastfeeding, I'd be surprised...

This book contains loads of practical advice, aimed at new parents who want to learn about what types of baby gear is really necessary, and what are (expensive) optional items. It appeals to my frugality a great deal. It's written clearly and accessibly for complete newbies like me!

If I were editing or writing a new version of this book, I'd include a section on getting stuff for free or cheap. There are a lot of ways to do this, including using your local Freecycle, swap meets, and of course, inviting people coming to your baby shower to bring you their hand-me-down goods. My recommendation is to be specific about things you want new, or about which you are very particular: for me, I'm feeling fussy about the crib and stroller I've picked out but the rest of it - whatever!

Let me know if you've read this and what you thought of it. I'd love to hear from you if you've found or written a good must-have (or waste of money) list of baby gear as well.

I'm off for a week's vacation, so I may be offline for awhile. Hope you have a great week - see you next time. Thanks for stopping by.